grey

I just got back from taking my Korean final.

I didn’t even get the test, but when I was sitting in Jones 113 (which is one of my favorite classrooms on campus… brings me memories of Japanese drill and late night studyings with Lady), I wanted to cry.

I’m so tired.

I’m so tired.

I’m so tired.

I don’t know why.  I always know that after a deadline passes or a certain date approaches, there is no joy specific to that time.  People look forward to dates, deadlines, breaks, but I don’t necessarily put a whole lot of stock into that because I know that ultimately leaves a hollow, tinny feeling.  Instead, I try to enjoy the journey, even those late nights and high pressure times when I have to finish assignments or sprint to the stretch.  (I think I actually enjoy those really late nights where we’re all crammed in a few Frist rooms frantically trying to finish our papers.  No, no, I actually do.  No think.)

I was in a daze yesterday (perhaps more than I needed to be in) at the Manna barbeque (by the way, CATHY GOT PERMISSION TO WRITE A CREATIVE THESIS! celebrations).  Kayee (bless her heart, she really is amazing.  I adore her so much) bought me bent spoon ice cream last night.  I really need to treat that girl to something amazing.  Afterwards, I went back and collapsed on my bed at around 9.

I woke up at 3:30am.. I didn’t even set my alarm until 5am, earliest.  I cleaned my room a bit (from the aftermath of dean’s date) and started compiling my Korean vocabulary list.  Around 6:30am a wave of exhaustion hit me, and I decided to take a nap at 7.

Like all naps, it did not end well.  I did not wake up at 8 like I intended, did not wake up at 9, or even 10.  (I had scheduled to do some hardcore Korean studying at 10:30 at the latest.)  I woke up at 11:30 (miraculously) without an alarm.  I had a slight headache and panic session… then proceeded to cram hanja like I always do.

I stumbled to Frist to do some last minute studying, where Dahae had oh-so-kindly brought me lunch.  I ate it.  It tasted alright.  I couldn’t study anymore.  I went to Korean class.  I couldn’t smile.  Suh sunsengnim looked nice today.  I got the test and instead tried to take a nap.

hahahahahaha, i am ridiculous

Okay, so I forced myself from taking a nap, actually, because I realized that I probably wouldn’t wake up on time.  The exam was depressing.  She tried so hard to make it easy for us yet I couldn’t didn’t even meet her halfway, or even a tenth of the way.  I have a headache now because I drifted off a few times.

I realized today as a sudden memory floated into my head — during class sharing at the spring retreat, Julia said how she realized how much she enjoyed her classes and was just enjoying life as a student this semester because she didn’t have as many extracurricular responsibilities — and the sad sad realization that I did not particularly enjoy any of my classes crept upon me.

that made me so sad.

Someone who used to love school, really really love it, really really love learning, really really love staying up all night reading and studying and learning all sorts of nerdy things — instead I am just burnt out.  Maybe it’s just now, because it’s not like it’s always this way, but I don’t care to learn anything right this second.  If someone tries to teach me something right now, I will scream and shove their paper down the trash can (not their throat, because I am too slow and dull to do that now.)

i’m too tired to cry

i don’t even need to cry.

[sigh]

(that was a literal one.  i actually sighed.  deep breath.  feel a little better.)

okay, i’m going to go take a shower, and then things will seem better!  i will be able to smile and laugh and be me.  :)  well, i’m still me right now.  even with giggles or melancholy.  i’m a lot more melancholy.

maybe the psychotic princeton student in me needs to take control of at least one thing in her life.  healthily, not in a psycho, crazy way.  there are things in my life i need to reign in, and reign in fast and hard.  now.

this year was like puberty.  i guess my puberty was so mild that God said, hmm, Sumin needs some more angst in her life.  hahahaha.

anyway.

(that was an allusion to joonmin’s thesis, ha.)

i guess there is nothing and everything particularly weighing down my mind right now.  the troubles of others — especially the ones i don’t know, the ones i know that are weighing others down and i can’t help them with those burdens — the petty unpleasantness of me, in me, to me, from me.

i don’t want to be touched right now.  clingy, touchy, feely me doesn’t want anyone to touch her.

i’ll be fine tomorrow. i’ll be fine tonight.  bye bye funk.

and could i just

be honest?

or at least petulant and self-indulgent?

OMGGGGG I AM SOOOOOO FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

Hahahahahahaha that felt good.

Seriously, I need to do something.  Crunchesss time.

my poor molecules

Oh boy.

I am sick.

This is possibly the best weekend ever to get sick.  That’s such a lie.  This is a not good weekend to get sick.  Not the worst ever, but it’s pretty bad.  It’s up there.  How am I supposed to write this stinkin’ draft?

I don’t think I take my work seriously.  Case in point:  yesterday I went to Rita’s Water Ice, the Prefrosh Ice Cream Social, and then finished season 2 of The Office.  (JIM AND PAM KISSED!)  Then after minimal outlining for my Korean paper and dabbling in my HIS 380 IDs, I went to sleep.

I woke up at 9:30am today because the fire alarm went off.  At least a minute, I tried to sleep through it.  I honestly thought it was an alarm and was pretty confused when I woke up.  Then I realized that it was a fire alarm, was too tired to curse, threw on my hoodie-that-looks-like-I-spilled-massive-amounts-of-water-on-it and grabbed my prox, keys, and phone.  I left Avocado behind, sorry.  While I stumbled downstairs, I imagined what would happen should my room catch on fire and everything I owned burn up.  All those clothes I carefully bought, oh my gosh, my poor laptop with my awfully puny JP draft, my JP books… Poof.  Gone.  My passport?  Gone.  My camera?  Also the millions of sheets of papers and cards I carefully saved.  Gone.

I bridled with glee at the thought of not having to finish my JP draft by Monday, and winning the sympathy of my professors and asking for massive amounts of extensions.  I stumbled past my zees and sat outside on the cold low brick wall.  My zees tried to engage me in conversation, but they haven’t learned yet that I am possibly the worst person to carry a conversation with when I first wake up.  I grunted.  I hated that I had to talk but hadn’t brushed my teeth.  Hannah came and leaned her head on my shoulder, and I was grateful for that.  I hugged her.

Turned out there was an actual fire in the kitchen oven.  I don’t know who did that, as the kitchen is locked and only the RCAs have keys.  Something fishy is going on.  I wonder if we’ll be able to do our test run of Asian Night Market stuff for KASA Thursday night.

I stumbled back upstairs and went back to sleep.  I woke up every now and then because I had set some alarms, but I slept through those.  They were nothing compared to the fire alarm.  I finally dragged myself out of bed at 2.

Today Chris Hill is coming to speak.  I’m actually really excited about that.

I have a slight cough, and my throat hurts.  I can feel my molecules tingling.  Tingling.  They’re getting ready to vibrate and hurt.  How on earth am I supposed to finish this draft?  No motivation, no desire.  I’ve lost all fear.

Well, that’s not true.  But you know.

Many seniors are done with their theses, and I’m envious.  They now have the freedom to enjoy themselves–sure they have other worries, but for the most part, most schoolwork pales in comparison to the thesis.

Plan:  Stay up tonight, go to sleep tomorrow, stay up all Sunday night.  If I write about 7 pages a night, totally doable.  The problem is that I haven’t done the research, so I can’t do it like last time.  Oh well.

bad choices

i’m just making them all over the place, aren’t i?

my parents would yell at me

i NEED to stop waking up so late.

i mean, staying up is fine, but only if i can wake up in the mornings.

that’s what umah used to say to me.   but, what did i expect?  staying up past 7am… of course i’m going to wake up at 3 if there is nothing pressing.  i mean, there are pressing things (um, midterms, anybody?) but nothing scheduled.

oh boy… i MUST go to sleep by 2 today, or i’m definitely not going to wake up in time for cee262a.

i sleep quite a lot.

my tummy :(

o(╥﹏╥)o

is upset

ughhhhhhhh

i had the luxury of not worrying about it for a long time :)  which is unusual, but man, that was nice.

i hate having upset tummy aches… i wonder what caused this one.  -_-;;  appa’s genes…

renewed resolution

Okay… I say this entirely too much, but I have got to lose weight.  I mean, I am unhealthy.  My BMI is 25 for crying out loud.  At least I’ve put into my schedule going to the gym (starting with twice a week) and I’m trying to cut out extraneous snacks like coke icees.  Hahaha, I wish I could cut out sodas like all those tips say, but I don’t drink anything but water.  -_-;;;  Who knows how big I’d be if I also drank soda, huh?

Anyway, I’m trying to walk more, maybe take the stairs more (I did at the beginning of the year everytime I went home, but I got lazy), and stand when I study.  Apparently sitting down turns off a certain enzyme in the body that processes food or slows the metabolism or something like that.  Anyway, it’s better for my posture if I stand.  Except that I’m sitting right now.  Hahaha, I stood earlier when I was reading those bajillion pages for Strategic Asia, so there’s a start.

I guess this means I’d better start eating breakfast… whoa, too many changes at once.  I think I’ll stick to going to the gym and trying to cut portions for now.  :)

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