i still got it.

sometimes i need a little ego boost.  in the most minor of ways.

seconds

it only takes a span of 30 something seconds for the mood to swing to something so exuberant to something so low.

this is where self-loathing plays in.

i generally regard myself pretty balanced, but sometimes i frighten myself at the intensity of how petty i can be. and then i swing to the self-anger, self-hate, self-disappointment.

weren’t we supposed to be more than that?

sometimes

i’m bitter for no reason at all

the sour taste in my heart

i remember how very human i am

what being human means

the acidic nature of my heart

it burns away my sweetness

and i am left with nothing

ache

That raw part of my soul aches.

it’s the

little things that get to me.

like super tiny microscopic things.

i let things get to me.

little tiny itty bitty minuscule invisible things.

UGH.

showers make everything a little bit better

I just took a long hot shower, and I forgot how much I love them.  For some reason I have difficulty getting up and taking the shower, but once I’m in I hate to leave.  I guess that’s the way it is for most things for me–I don’t like taking the time and effort to go do something, but once I do I’m happy to be doing what I am doing.  Loser.

It’s so hard to forgive.  In fact, I think that a lot of times, it’s not my place to forgive.  I mean… Like for Paco, for instance, he lied to the community as a whole, so in some way it did affect me, it did hurt me, and I was in the position to perhaps forgive.  But for some people, their personal sins, their transgressions against others or perhaps God has nothing to do with me and I have no right to try to give my forgiveness to them.  It’s not really forgiveness.  It feels like an unfair superiority complex, where I believe I’m in the position to forgive, in the superior position to hand out my well-being.  In fact, I’m not.  In fact, I’m just as fallen–no, no, more.

I guess in being hurt, we are affected… but does that hurt give us the right to forgive?  I don’t know.  I suppose that’s why we turn to God, to ask Him for forgiveness, for healing, but my human nature, my human clinginess and inability to let go screams at no one in particular for someone to make things right.  The struggle is to redirect that energy into asking God to heal my heart, but I fail so badly.

The situation that I write of you have no way of knowing, nor will you ever know.  I don’t even think I know myself.  Spending so much time by myself is good for me, as I spend so much of the semester, so much of the week, so much of my days with others that I have little time to reflect.  (That’s what this journal is for, right?  I should get around to moving this to Justin’s server sometime.)  It’s just an ongoing part of the conversation.