blood is blood, but ARGH

This weekend.

Compounded with this week.

Makes me so freaking glad that my family lived in in-the-middle-of-nowhere-especially-not-Korea Mississippi.

Thank You, God.

seconds

it only takes a span of 30 something seconds for the mood to swing to something so exuberant to something so low.

this is where self-loathing plays in.

i generally regard myself pretty balanced, but sometimes i frighten myself at the intensity of how petty i can be. and then i swing to the self-anger, self-hate, self-disappointment.

weren’t we supposed to be more than that?

oh my gosh i have got to do something

um…

those tapemeasure brown shorts i got (hobbit-y shorts)

i bought over the summer

they were loose when i got them, comfortably loose

just now i had to struggle to clasp the damn hook

I STRUGGLED FOR THIRTY MINUTES TO PUT MY CLOTHES ON

granted it isn’t easy because of the way the eyelet was sewn on

but ummmmmm

this is a problem

i distinctly remember them being loose

now they are on the tighter side of comfy

I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THIS

when did i gain all this belly?! stress and stress eating… oh my gosh.

i am appalled.

appalled.

appalled.

appalled.

and i am so sleepy.

my thumbs hurt from trying to hard to get the damn hook together, and then i decided i wanted my shirt tucked in, then i decided no, untucked… how many times did i put the damn hook together?!

oh… my bruised ego.

looking forward and backward

So 2008, huh?

I know I wrote an entry about looking forward to events and days, but the actual day and event (like how I de-pluralized and reversed their order? Oh, no? It’s not parallel? OH WELL, har har :) ) is very low-key and quiet. In the past we’ve either stayed at home quietly, sometimes together as a family (eating) and sometimes all separate, doing our own thing, or gone to church. Most major holidays and events around here… we spend it that way. And that’s just fine with me. On New Year’s Day usually the families our family hangs out with all get together and make loads of mandu (dumplings)–one year we made miles and miles of noodles -_-;; SO MANY NOODLES–and spend the day just sitting around talking, playing video games, and eating.

I used to be jealous of my friends who went out on New Year’s Eve or Christmas Eve to parties and gatherings, or hearing about random people online or offline who went to parties and seemed to have a good time, but I realized this year none of that matters to me. That’s probably the least appealing way to spend that sort of time to me. If I had my way, I would spend it with my friends and family, just sitting around and hanging out. Yea, hanging out. In all honesty, Christmas and New Year’s is just another day, just another marker in our homogeneous empty time, but it’s still important that we sit back and reflect on where we are, where we’ve been, where we’re going, but importantly, where we want to be. I enjoy New Year’s Resolutions, as depressing as breaking them is, because it reminds me of who I want to be and the sense of hope I have. This year I’ve tried to keep mine simple and specific. It’s because I don’t know who you are and I think that no one reads this that I’ll post them in details… haha. And boy, do I have a lot.

• Healthy body – lose 30 pounds. That averages to about 2.5lbs a month, which is .625lbs a week. Totally doable. :) Plan of action: cut down extraneous snacks and late night trips to Spelman, Wa, and my RCA stash. =P Find a gym partner to go to Dillon at least twice a week. I’ve totally cut out Frist fries and burgers, but I should also cut back super fatty and fried foods at Colonial and in the dining hall. Not too hard–I’m not going to cut everything out, but just cut back. !!! It’s totally possible–I’ve just been lazy in the past years. For both health reasons and vanity… -_-;; Oh, my vanity.
• Spiritual growth - have quiet time daily. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I have never really had quiet time or devotional time. Would it really kill me to take just a few minutes to sit and pray to God? I am absolutely ridiculous. I hate to be legalistic about this, but I need to be in the beginning, for me to succeed… I think I will say, “20 minutes a day!” and I’ll do it right before I go to sleep. Maybe when classes start again, it will be at a different time of day, but for now… I look forward to it. :) Ellen gave me a devotional book a few weeks ago, My Utmost Highest for His Highness by Oswalt Chambers. I left it at school, but I go back in a few days. I’ll give that a try.
• Punctuality – be on time. I have been insulting and disrespectful to others in my tardiness and my lack of consideration of the time. This means I can’t be as lazy as before, and I’ll have to be firm and stop my conversations with people in order to get wherever I need to be on time. I thought before it would be rude to stop someone in the middle of a conversation, but it’s so much ruder to be late for an appointment or meeting with someone, especially someone I hold in high regard and love. Also–do not be late to classes! I am at Princeton for a reason. Do not be late to meetings! I have been entrusted with responsibilities that my peers have deemed worthy for me to handle. I do not want to let them down. I have been needing to work on this for years, and it’s only this year that I’ve realized how terrible I’ve been in my lax behaviors.
• Studies - less procrastination, more dedicated studying. I may be already breaking this with my JP :) but I’m tired of procrastinating all the time and having to pay for it later. There will always be times to hang out and talk to others, but I need to find the balance between my social life and my studies. This will also result in less stress! When I study, do not study with other large groups of people. That means AVOID Frist 100 level!!! When I do not procrastinate and socialize when I study, that means more time to hang out with others. Also, I should enjoy my studies. I already do enjoy my classes, but I should not shirk or complain so much about my classes. I did not go to Princeton to not study. I went because I loved it. Remember my love for knowledge!
• Self-Esteem – stop being so self-deprecating. It’s okay to be confident in my abilities and self. I always considered myself modest, but there is a difference between being modest and being self-deprecating. I think I am more likely than others to put myself down–I’m not really sure why, sometimes I honestly don’t believe that I am what others say, but sometimes I have this impulse to negate everything said positive about me. I’m not sure when this really started (it was definitely emphasized after I got to Princeton and realized, geez, I’m not as great as I thought I was), because it’s gotten to the point where I can’t accept a compliment. I realized that to continue to reject my positive qualities and play up my negative ones is to do a disservice to my creator and community. Am I really that terrible a person? I mean, I actually am (we all are in the eyes of God, ha), but am I really that boring and incompetent a person? This doesn’t mean to be immodest anymore–I don’t think I could ever throw away my modest tendencies, haha. Thanks to Dens for this one… I never really noticed it until he pointed it out one day.

I don’t want to have only 4… I like odd numbers, and I don’t consider myself superstitious, but 4 is a less pleasant number for some reason. So I kind of tacked on #5. I like odds. Haha. I guess I want to get more out of my activities, which would sort of what I wanted under procrastination. I will probably come up with another one in the next week or month. That’s the wonderful thing about resolutions. You don’t need January 1st to have a desire to change and make resolutions–you can have them anytime and do them at anytime. According to homogeneous empty time (I’ll have to explain that one day, thank you very much, junior seminar), it’s all the same.

Accountability partner, anyone? Haha.

Here’s to 2008, and another year with wonderful people and wonderful places. I’m optimistic about this year! I can make these changes, I really can! (I’d better pray long and hard for help though, haha.) There are so many other things I want to change about myself (like be nicer to Eumin, be thriftier with my money, have a more regular sleep schedule (naaaaah… it’s already 3:42am. I think I’ve killed this one a long time ago), spend more time with people I do not know well and be more in touch by letters and emails and notes with people… The list could go on for AGES (but don’t take me wrong, I love me… oh boy, I do), but I think I’d better take it a little at a time. Maybe halfway through the year I could tackle a few more. :)

What are your resolutions? Let’s work together~ yea yea yea~ Thank You, God, for 2007, and Thank You, God, for 2008 to come!