i was talking to zach

and realized that junior year is difficult not because of academics but… there are other things that happen.

and i think for many of us that other things are human relationships or lack thereof.

oh, how broken we all are! (interjecting, i am) junior year is hard, so hard, and so so hard and no one ever warned me. it wouldn’t have mattered. besides, it’s not like it’s junior year academics that are the brunt of the stress (it does contribute, i’d say so i’d say so oh why), so it’s not anything that anyone could have or would have foreseen.

example conversation (with whom? with myself?):

“hey sumin, junior year is going to be hard for everyone.”

“no way. why? sophomore year was hard! but it’s gonna get better.”

“yea, it was hard, but junior year? harder. work. but mainly people.”

“what do you mean?”

“crap’s gonna happen and there’s nothing you can do about it. you’ll cry your heart out and it won’t solve anything. you’ll see people in pain and you can’t reach out. you’ll laugh and then hear someone weeping and what can you do?”

“what?”

“basically, i’m telling you lots of things will happen and it’ll take its toll.”

“what?”

“you’re stupid.”

“um, looked in a mirror lately?”

“anyway, it’ll be hard for everyone in different ways. you’re not going to be able to really change anything for anyone, so stop meddling. the best you can do is listen. and listen to yourself. don’t be selfish, but don’t ignore your own needs.”

“oh.”

“good luck, you’re gonna need it.”

“what?”

“i’ll pray for you. and your class.”

“thanks.”

[gets up to leave]

“you know, you’re still going to love it. junior year is going to be hard, but it’s necessary. and you’ll still be happy.”

“i know.”

showers make everything a little bit better

I just took a long hot shower, and I forgot how much I love them.  For some reason I have difficulty getting up and taking the shower, but once I’m in I hate to leave.  I guess that’s the way it is for most things for me–I don’t like taking the time and effort to go do something, but once I do I’m happy to be doing what I am doing.  Loser.

It’s so hard to forgive.  In fact, I think that a lot of times, it’s not my place to forgive.  I mean… Like for Paco, for instance, he lied to the community as a whole, so in some way it did affect me, it did hurt me, and I was in the position to perhaps forgive.  But for some people, their personal sins, their transgressions against others or perhaps God has nothing to do with me and I have no right to try to give my forgiveness to them.  It’s not really forgiveness.  It feels like an unfair superiority complex, where I believe I’m in the position to forgive, in the superior position to hand out my well-being.  In fact, I’m not.  In fact, I’m just as fallen–no, no, more.

I guess in being hurt, we are affected… but does that hurt give us the right to forgive?  I don’t know.  I suppose that’s why we turn to God, to ask Him for forgiveness, for healing, but my human nature, my human clinginess and inability to let go screams at no one in particular for someone to make things right.  The struggle is to redirect that energy into asking God to heal my heart, but I fail so badly.

The situation that I write of you have no way of knowing, nor will you ever know.  I don’t even think I know myself.  Spending so much time by myself is good for me, as I spend so much of the semester, so much of the week, so much of my days with others that I have little time to reflect.  (That’s what this journal is for, right?  I should get around to moving this to Justin’s server sometime.)  It’s just an ongoing part of the conversation.

sin and forgiveness

I used to have a very elementary view of sin–sin ask for forgiveness it shall be given forgotten done. But that’s not how it is. We sin, we beg for forgiveness, it is granted, but then we have to deal with the effects of it in our lives and the lives of others. Forgiveness doesn’t wipe it away from our broken lives. It does wipe away our tears and lifts our hearts, but it’s not as if the imprint left on our souls go away. We may come to peace with it, but we must also come to peace with the consequences.

i was angry

so angry

i hadn’t been so angry

in a long time–angry

angry at him

angry that it could happen

angry that things turned out the way they did

angry that i had been used

angry that i hadn’t seen

angry that i had been deceived

it’s not even that i deserved to be angry

those who were really affected, targeted, receiving end had a right to be angry

to contain that grudge

to contain that hate

to contain that hurt

i acted as if i had that right

i acted as if i could

i acted as if i should

but oh God, my human memory forgot

forgot very quickly

forgot obscenely quickly

because i wanted to forget

and not forgive

forget and not forgive

to forget is not to forgive.

and then the opportunity came to be bitter

the opportunity came to be angry

the opportunity came to lash out

and i didn’t intend to forgive

but i think my heart did

i think God reached in and embraced me eased my soul told me to be quiet

and my heart forgave

without thinking.

and i am glad it did.

At the risk of sounding banal… Good and Evil

I have a conflicting view of humanity.  I think that every human being is fallen and capable of atrocious evils.  When humans come together and become jealous, which is inevitable, that the worst of their nature comes out and perverts everything right and good.  However, I still believe in the good of people, that you have to give people a chance.  If you give someone a chance, that doesn’t guarantee that they’ll do the right thing, but even so, you have to give them that chance.  God’s love demands that we love others as well, and in loving someone, you have to give them the benefit of the doubt, right?

People sometimes ask what I think of humanity in general (not too often, don’t worry), and it’s hard to describe what I actually think.  Because humans are awful.  They are terrible.  It angers me, it pains me, it grieves me to no end when I hear of awful things happening to people, but my real sense of disbelief doesn’t stem from human evil.  I will cry, “How could they do this?” but deep down—not even so deep, superficially—I know that it is completely and awfully possible.

I’m in makeup precept for HIS380 because two nights ago I couldn’t stop coughing and I coughed all night in a half-awake state, and then fell asleep from sheer tiredness in the morning and slept through half of my classes.  Wednesdays are my busiest days, so…

We’re discussing human rights today, and this is so much more fun than it was in POL313 – Global Justice.  Professor Bon Tempo is pretty awesome.  Too bad he’s not the course professor.  GASP I think I committed blasphemy—everybody loves Paul Miles, but my favorite part by far is precept.  Who knew I’d ever say that?  (I’ve been lucky in my precept this semester—I always place an emphasis on precepts (attending them is so much more important than lecture for me, so I become distressed if I miss precept)—I enjoy virtually all of them.  CEE262A is fun, even if I’m the only humanities major; HIS380 is enjoyable and stimulating; even SOC303 precept is interesting and engaging, as intense as it can be at times.  (And is more fun than lecture it. Haha.)

Anyway, precept started with (well, 5 minutes into precept because I was late) what is different about human rights violation in various periods, and a very very very brief overview of the major major violations.  And government.  And I started thinking about this position essay I wrote about human beings in U.S. World History in high school (Ironically, Mr. Pope and Professor Bon Tempo—GOODTIME—look similar, haha.) and my position hasn’t changed.  The only thing that’s changed is that I have realized how much deeper human evil goes, and I bet that in five years I’ll learn exponentially more that humans are fallen, fallen beyond what we fellow humans can do for each other, so fallen that only the deepest Grace of God is able to save us.

In other news, this weekend is going to be super busy.  And the JP?  ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!